Do We Want This Or Not?

Why are we living in a 20 foot RV trailer? You’re probably asking the same questions we are asking ourselves. We could be snug in a tiny home now. The downsizing is done. We could have planned so many things differently when the house sold. We haven’t figured out how to live a life less burdened yet. Every day we start where we are, and there aren’t the answers we need. Just time.

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We didn’t want to be all talk and not start with some action. We wanted change. So we freed ourselves of a life that wasn’t everything we wanted.

Don’t we all say that to ourselves? Well, THAT would be nice, then we follow with, “But it’s unrealistic. You can’t have what you want. It’s not possible.” Actually, it is. Let's start with that thought, and remember that most of us don’t know what we want, but we’re sure we don’t want what we have.

That’s what the first couple of weeks of May 2018 were like for us. We didn’t want what we had, which was a home full of stuff. Letting go of the house was a big scary step, but that sold quickly. Now we were dealing with the contents of the house.

I was searching daily for the courage to get rid of more. I knew we didn’t need the boxes of belongings stacked in the garage. I had to decide what I should be selling, donating, or dumping. There wasn’t a straightforward solution. I had boxes of photos, books that were my grandparents, artwork by my mom who had recently passed. I had notebooks and printed manuscripts I was revising, a collection of cookie cutters and candles, just random things that made up my life and I had to decide what I could let go of.

Every decision exhausted me. Jamie had his challenges, but he kept the dream of a life less burdened alive. He pushed me to think about the new life we would have. He started selling our furniture.

All I seemed sure about was what I had lost. My home was now someone else’s. My relationships with friends, clients, even family was changing. I was in between what I knew I didn’t want or need anymore, but didn’t know what or how to fit my life into the next phase. I was conflicted.

I wanted a new life with Jamie. I dreamed we could travel wherever and for as long as we wanted to. I could expand my creative life on the road. With my head lost there, Jamie and I coasted along in the illusion that we would have all the answers in a few short months.

 

Janet KittoComment